Monday, April 11, 2011

Favorite Comments from the Masters Broadcast

For seven of the last 10 years, I've hosted a Masters Sunday party at my home. This year, eight of us wolfed down sushi, pizza, Goldfish Crackers (not considered sushi no matter what George says) and pretzels. We also quaffed copious amounts of beer, lots of my Springbank 10 single malt and some white wine.

For the first time in the history of this even someone was put on probation, and then double secret probation, for what can best be described as poor attitude. The Executive Committee will meet before the next Masters Party to determine whether Rachel will be allowed to return.

Now, along with rooting for Anybody But Tiger, we have a wonderful tradition of chastising the announcers for their idiotic comments.

We detest Jim Nantz for his fake sentimentality. One of the surest bets is that Nantz will bring up a heartwarming tale about a player's father. This year, Nantz was so wracked with emotion when talking about Jason Day's father that he blurted out that the elder Day died when he was 12. We think Nantz meant he died when Jason was 12, but we're holding off judgement until we have more information.

Ian Baker-Finch had a beauty, informing us that Angel Cabrera was so poor and hungry as a child in Argentina that he stole chickens, which inspired Randy to scream, "They just called him a thief on national TV!"

It was also Baker-Finch who said of Cabrera, "He tries to hit a great shot every time."

Thanks for that insight, buddy, but we'd find it more entertaining if you told us which players occasionally strives to produce a mediocre result.

David Feherty proved that he has not even the most basic knowledge of world geography when he stated of the leaderboard, "every continent is represented except the Arctic and Antarctica."

Not too long before that, he told us, "every continent will be watching" the broadcast.

So all eight continents will be watching, David?

Feherty's gaffe led to Jonathan wondering aloud why they are called "polar bears" and not "north polar bears" since none are found on the South Pole. The conversation, more scintillating than what was on TV, lasted a good three minutes.

The basic problem with announcers is they just can't shut up. It's as if they have an unseen force driving them they to comment on everything. It's television for god's sake; let the picture tell the story now and then.

Nantz is the worst. He just couldn't clam up as Geoff Ogilvy's approach to 18 landed on the front of the green and spun back and off.

"He better be careful," Nantz said with a tone of concern that should be reserved for someone diffusing a bomb.

To which one of the party-goers barked out, "How can he be careful, he's a 145 (expletive) yards away?"

Following his epic implosion, third-round leader Rory McIlroy was kind enough to grant an interview to Peter Kostis off the back of the 18th green. McIlroy was gracious and honest after shooting an 80. Kostis, of course, couldn't just keep the encounter as pure question-and-answer, he had to fawn over McIlroy and told his interview subject, "You have a head that's wiser than what's on your shoulders."

So, Rory has another head? Where do you think he keeps it? How does he get it through airport security?

The ridiculous comments about Eldrick Woods were just too many to list here. For me, the blabbering went over the edge following Tiger's missed putt at 13 when Nick Faldo informed us, "I was watching his jaw line."

We're not sure if Nick's assignment was to watch Woods's jaw or if he just made the bold decision to do it on his own. By the way, enough with calling Faldo, "Sir Nick." This is the United States; we don't grant royal titles.

We, the television viewers, were also treated to much useless knowledge.

Did you know that 2011 Masters champion Charl Shwartzel weighs 140 pounds? You would if you had watched the CBS broadcast. We're guessing that that number had some importance since we weren't told the weight of any other competitor. Come to think of it, nobody's height was mentioned. I wonder why?


  1. Awesome. I forget which announcer said this gem" the course now is exactly how Bobby Jones and Dr. MacKenzie envisioned it". Really? Who did the interview with those two to get their seal of approval?

  2. Frank: You're absolutely right. I'll bet both Jones and MacKenzie would heartily approve of the planting of trees to create narrower hole corridors.

  3. I have to add this comment that appeared on my Facebook page courtesy of Sam: "My favorite Nancism was that Cabrera beat someone '5 up' in match play. One of my fellow tweeters opined that Nance 'is better suited to call bingo at the local VFW.' I think that's being unfair to veterans."

  4. Haven't checked in for a while. Great stuff!
    Still doesn't hold a candle to Johnny Miller claiming that putts are influenced by everything from oceans to deserts, mountains and valleys. Down hill, Johnny. They break down hill, it's called GRAVITY!